TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Certainly, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city historically recognized for historic tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be tremendous. Remarkable!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed within the putting green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the best. But now, we are building them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and totally out of put. Built by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • And also a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable water. But Certainly, confident, let us have A different spot exactly where American Guys can have on robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace endeavor since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though former negotiations unsuccessful under the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is simpler: provide Everybody a set to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with files published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is comfortable electricity," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock needs much less diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in each device. The Trump Tower Damascus UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a very war zone. It is that he ought to halt utilizing it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested about the challenge, replied, "You know, gentleman, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Good people today. Terrific tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the resort's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head seen from Room, a characteristic staying promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents as well as chin is… properly, categorised.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits immediately after finding the constructing's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It is not simply unattractive. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Complicated Characteristics


Perhaps the strangest component on the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium the place friends may possibly contemplate vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, total with local climate Regulate set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Community Syrians are unsure what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-12 months-old Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Technique: "If You Bomb It, They may Occur"


The advert marketing campaign, recently leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Permanently."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll conducted inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "where by's the nearest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is already attracting awareness from Worldwide buyers, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll get three penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business degree can even include things like:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Portion Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait around to determine a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a hotel in which my PTSD might have turn-down service."


Another put up from @KuwaitiKardashian just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Stories suggest:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to develop a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Ultimate Thoughts with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It required gold. It wanted a waterslide formed like the Structure. I gave it all three. You happen to be welcome."

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